


Lonely

by mardi89



Category: Erkenci Kuş (TV)
Genre: AUep40, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:23:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18640819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mardi89/pseuds/mardi89
Summary: “Making it insaneOnce again, I will tryTo enchain youBut you open your eyes to the skyAnd whisper…”





	1. You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Inspired by the On Izleme for Bolum 40*
> 
> This won’t be a long story as the ep comes out in a few days and we will find out what really happens then.
> 
> Inspo Playlist:
> 
> Grow A We Go - Ben Platt  
> Already Gone - Sleeping At Last  
> Elephants - Rachael Yamagata  
> Lonely - Yael Naim  
> Arctic - Sleeping At Last  
> Can I Stay - Ray LaMontagne  
> Once Upon Another Time - Sara Bareilles

She was terrified of him. 

Terrified that he was real, that he wasn’t. Terrified that he would leave again, that he would stay. 

When he reached out his hand her body reacted on instinct by moving toward him. He touched her wrist and she forgot herself for a moment. It only took another moment for her to remember. Her pain, the anguish that she had lived with all alone for a year. She remembered what he was capable of. 

She pulled her arm away and she could see in his eyes that it killed him a little bit. She couldn’t afford to feel sorry for him. 

“Why have you come? Why are you here?” She had to get it out before she broke down.

He didn’t say anything.

In their time apart she assumed he was doing better than she was. He was the one to leave after all. But looking at him now, she wasn’t sure. He looked aesthetically different of course, but there was something else. Something fundamentally broken about him. Part of her reveled in his sorrow, and part of her was more frightened than ever. If the man she thought she knew months ago could nearly kill someone, what could this man in front of her do?

She did what she intended to to at the start, flee.

She took one hesitant step backward, her eyes on him. He remained still. She took a quicker step back and his eyebrows came together in confusion, in recognition. She spun around and took one giant leap forward, thinking she still had enough of the element of surprise to get away. 

Her right foot reached land before she felt his hand wrap around her upper arm. She gasped as he easily whipped her around, shackling her other arm in his vice like grip. He wasn’t hurting her, but she knew that it was impossible to get away. She could hear his heavy breathing and feel the tension in his body. His eyes pierced her and her fear ratcheted up to a new level. 

“Let go of me! Why? Why are you here? Why are you doing this?” Her fight or flight response had kicked in, panic rising in her throat.

She tried violently to get away from him. She was sure she was causing a scene, yelling in broad daylight like this, but there was no one around. She could hear him say her name over and over again, and when she pounded her fists on his chest the syllables became disjointed. His voice was becoming pinched, like he was growing desperate, or about to cry. Tears welled in her own eyes as her mind raced. 

She had to get away from him. She couldn’t afford to surrender to him, physically or mentally. He was shaking now, still holding her arms tight enough so she couldn’t leave, but he hadn’t hurt her, yet. It was only a matter of time. Her carefully constructed walls were crumbling and she was scrambling to climb up the ruins. He mustn’t get in. It would kill her this time. 

Her breath came in shorter and shorter pants. Her heart was racing and her vision was a fuzzy blue around the edges. 

His pained and panicked eyes were the last thing she saw before the hazy blue turned to pitch black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After watching the sneak peak a few times I was struck by how differently Sanem carried herself. I wanted to explore the idea that she feared Can. The one constant in their relationship from day one was that she implicitly instinctually trusted him. Even when she thought he was the Bad King, she felt safe with him. I think the thing that broke him the most at the end of Bolum 39 was that she could think he would harm her. The look on her face when he pushed Yigit down the steps? She was genuinely afraid of the man he had become. She is obviously afraid of being emotionally hurt by him further, but I found it extra heartbreaking that she no longer felt safe in his presence.


	2. Looking at you makes it harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So I'm coloring my face  
> While I am here with you  
> Imagining the landscape of your sorrow  
> Is it yellow or blue?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Inspired by the On Izleme for Bolum 40*
> 
> Inspo Playlist:
> 
> Grow A We Go - Ben Platt  
> Already Gone - Sleeping At Last  
> Elephants - Rachael Yamagata  
> Lonely - Yael Naim  
> Arctic - Sleeping At Last  
> Can I Stay - Ray LaMontagne  
> Once Upon Another Time - Sara Bareilles

He had never seen her like this, not even in the early days when she was shy and skittish around him. He wasn’t a stranger to her escape attempts, but seeing the fear in her eyes, the fear of him, made him wish for a moment that she had literally killed him all those months ago, instead of just killing his spirit.

He was so struck that he didn’t immediately react when she turned to run away. It only took him a second to come back to himself enough to run after her. He knew that he should have let her leave, but it was like his body remembered hers, it was compelled toward her. 

When he docked his boat at the pier this morning he couldn’t have imagined he would find this vision of a woman, the love of his life, sitting right there when he returned. He didn’t know if she knew, if she planned it, or if it was just fate, but he couldn’t ignore it. He drank her in as he slowly approached. She was the first sip of fresh water he had had after months at sea. Her style was different, her hair was longer and more untamed, but her beautiful face was the same. She looked lost, far away in a different world. It was shocking but not at all surprising at the same time, the way she made him feel. She made him _feel_ , when he knew he hadn’t in so long. He used that as his excuse, for why he had no control over his actions. 

In the back of his mind he knew that he was scaring her worse than before by grabbing her and not letting go. But even still, he couldn’t stop. There was a primal fear in him that he wouldn’t see her again if she left now. She thrashed like an animal caught in a snare, and it scared him. That she could react like that, that he couldn’t bring himself to let her go. His body began to tremble from the mixed messages running through his system:

_Let her go, she’s terrified!_

_Someone will see and report you to the police._

_She will be lost forever if you don’t hold on._

He began chanting her name in an attempt to stop her, to wake her up, to wake himself up. 

“Sanem. Sanem. _Sanem, please_.”

He could hear how shallow her breathing was, how flushed her face was. She was panicking. 

Suddenly she looked up at him, the animal caught in the snare looking her killer in the eye. It felt like his heart was ripping itself by the seams, seams he just recently stitched back together. Then her eyes rolled back and her lashes fluttered against her cheeks. 

He was thankful that he still had a good hold of her arms when she began to fall. He unlocked his fingers from around her arms so he could wrap his arms around her. She went totally limp, the memory of her dropping to the floor after the hacker pushed her into a stone countertop came to mind. And now, like then, he gathered her in his arms and took her to safety.   
He probably should have been worried about someone observing what had just occurred, him struggling with a woman and then carrying her off alone to his boat. But all he could bring himself to worry about was how small she felt in his arms, definitely lighter than he remembered. 

If he had been thinking critically he wouldn’t have brought her to his boat, down inside the cabin, to the small bed where he spent his lonely nights. But then again if he had been thinking critically he wouldn’t have gotten them in this predicament to begin with. All he could think of in the moment was to get her somewhere comfortable, where he could watch over her. He had succeeded in that task at least. Seeing her her laying there on his dark blue comforter is what finally snapped him out of it. 

_What have I done?_

Not only had he prevented her from leaving, he had taken her back to his home without her consent. He ran his hands through is over-long hair as he paced back and forth at the foot of the bed. Forgetting for a moment the fact that he had stolen all of her agency and that she would be more frightened of him than ever when she woke up, he had also stolen his own sense of tranquility. He had destroyed any possibility of finding peace in his solitude the moment that he brought her into his inner sanctum. 

He swallowed hard and looked at her again. Her dark wavy hair was fanned out on his white pillow. Her legs curled under her slightly, the smooth tanned skin of one of her thighs peaked out of the slit in her skirt. The pieces of his heart were sewing themselves back together without his permission. Just the sight of her was healing him. 

_She is your home.  
_

He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to make himself not only blind but also deaf to the thoughts in his head. He turned away from her and slid down to sit with his back against the bed frame. He turned his head to look out the small port hole, his hands in his hair again. Dusk was upon them. He was sure there was someone waiting on her, someone who would start getting concerned right about now. But he couldn’t bring himself to try and rouse her. He didn’t think he could look at her or touch her again without the thoughts and voices returning. Those invasive thoughts and truthful voices. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Demet and Yaman are such incredible actors that when I write I just try to do them justice. I am especially impressed by Demet’s physical presence and Can’s eyes. I just keep watching the sneak peak over and over again so Can can kill me with a look. Watch it with the sound off and play Lonely or Elephants over it. You will die.


	3. You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Remember all the things we wanted  
> Now all our memories, they're haunted  
> We were always meant to say goodbye”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspo Playlist:
> 
> Grow A We Go - Ben Platt  
> Already Gone - Sleeping At Last  
> Elephants - Rachael Yamagata  
> Lonely - Yael Naim  
> Arctic - Sleeping At Last  
> Can I Stay - Ray LaMontagne  
> Once Upon Another Time - Sara Bareilles

She woke up surrounded by his scent and she couldn’t decide if she was still in the grips of a nightmare, or one of her more pleasant dreams. She leaned more toward nightmare after she opened her eyes to find herself in a dimly lit and strange bedroom. As her eyes adjusted to the dark she recognized that it was most likely that cabin of a boat. She could feel herself sway gently in place and she knew her hypothesis was correct.

She racked her brain for her most recent memory, and the last thing she could remember were _his_ eyes. He was probably somewhere on the ship with her, which would be concerning, but considering the alternative was that she was lost at sea with a stranger, she preferred to think it was him. Still, she needed to get away, if she could.

Her head whipped around to look out the small porthole. It was just after twilight in her estimation, so she hadn’t been here too long. She needed to get to the deck to see if the boat was still docked or if she had indeed been kidnapped and taken into open water. As she quietly slipped her legs over the side of the bed she debated swimming back to land if she had to. She was a strong swimmer, but she would need to get her bearings before she did anything drastic. She tiptoed around the bed and thought, with an odd level of calm, that she was grateful her captor hadn’t removed her shoes, or any other articles of clothing. This way she could escape more quickly.

Her foot hit something solid as she rounded the end of the bed, and suddenly she was falling. It happened slow enough for her to worry about injuring herself on something in the extremely tight quarters, but fast enough that she couldn’t see what she tripped on or where she would land.

She didn’t injure herself as anticipated, but she had certainly given away her position. In fact her position was directly on top of the man she was trying to flee from. She could feel his strong heartbeat under her hands. She was surrounded by his scent again and she knew she hadn’t been dreaming, it wasn’t a stranger who had taken her. Her eyes closed and she breathed him in heedless of the pain it caused her. Her body knew him, craved him, even though her mind fought ruthlessly against it. Just the warmth of his chest, of his hands on her back, was enough to melt the first layer of ice around her heart.

Her eyes snapped open. 

_This can’t be happening. I can’t let this happen._

She pushed off of him roughly, her hands itched from the loss of contact. She found the bed again and sat down on the edge of it, still positioned to run down the corridor and onto the deck when the opportunity presented itself. He stood up quickly, blinking rapidly from dizziness. Or perhaps he was clearing the sleep from his eyes? He did look slightly more disheveled and disoriented than he did earlier. She almost felt bad for waking him. Almost.

_He kidnapped you Sanem._

Her defenses were back in place now, and she fixed him with a look of reproach. It was his turn to look frightened.

“I- I, you. You passed out.” He was scrambling, but at least he sounded like he  was telling the truth.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry.” He looked like he meant it.

“I had a panic attack.” It wasn’t the first time.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know...” The pain was back in his eyes.

“It’s alright. How could you?” _You don’t know anything about me._

He was standing apart from her, as much as the small space allowed, but he took a step back when she said that. Her words, the underlying meaning of them, punched him in the chest.

“You can go. If you want.”

There was no trace of irony or deception in his voice. He said it plain, but the agony etched in his face told her more than any words could.

Did she want to go?

She looked at him. Studied him for just a few seconds. He looked less frightening to her now for some reason. The room was so small it made his already large frame look even bigger. Even though he had taken a step back from her, he still towered over her as she sat on the bed. He should have looked intimidating, the situation she found herself in should have been scary to her. But there was something about him that was small and vulnerable. Her throat tightened, holding back tears.

_What have we done?_

They were both so utterly broken. Could they ever be mended?

Did she want to go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Arctic the whole time writing this. I love every single thing from Sleeping At Last, but this piece of music is just so moving to me.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story and the other ones I have written. I never ever thought I would get this kind of response and it honestly makes my day every day.


	4. You don't ever have to leave, if to change is what you need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can I stay, here with you, 'til the morning?  
> I am so far from home, and I feel a little stoned  
> Can I stay, here with you, 'til the morning?  
> There's nothing I want more, than to wake up on your floor”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspo Playlist:
> 
> Grow A We Go - Ben Platt  
> Already Gone - Sleeping At Last  
> Elephants - Rachael Yamagata  
> Lonely - Yael Naim  
> Arctic - Sleeping At Last  
> Can I Stay - Ray LaMontagne  
> Once Upon Another Time - Sara Bareilles

_ How could you? _

Her words echoed his ears. He truly didn’t know who she was anymore. That thought hurt him more than anything. Her wrist slipping from his hand, her little fists hitting his chest, those didn’t hurt this much. 

He took a step back to keep himself in one piece. 

“You can go. If you want.”

He didn’t want her to go, even though the pain she was inflicting on him was nearly unbearable. He stuck his hand in the fire to save her notebook, and that was merely physical pain. He unconsciously rubbed the scars on his knuckles. He was willing to walk through fire for her again.  

She didn’t say anything, just looked at him. He saw conflict in her eyes, and tears threatening to fall. He remembered telling her that his heart smashed to smithereens whenever she was sad. It was still true.

He knew she was scared, that she wanted to run from him, but he couldn’t bear to see her like this and do nothing. He slowly moved to sit on the end of the bed, next to but still away from her. She didn’t flinch when he settled down, but followed him with her eyes the whole time. He didn’t risk touching her, even though he desperately wanted to. 

“I shouldn’t have chased after you. I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that. It was inexcusable.” She already thought the worst of him, but he needed to get this apology out. 

She looked between his eyes for a moment, deciphering his sincerity, before giving him a small nod. 

“I should have tried waking you. You aren’t late for anything are you?” Time to change the subject.

She shook her head. “No.”

“You aren’t hurt? I mean, you feel okay?” Old habits die hard.

She shook her head slowly then quickly switched to nodding. “I’m fine, now.”

“We’re still docked. I can walk you out if…”  _ Don’t be afraid of me. Please trust me. Please don’t go yet… _

She nodded again. “That would be nice, thank you.”

He swallowed hard, preparing himself to watch her walk away from him again.

She stood up carefully, she didn’t have her sea legs. He quickly rose from the bed, prepared to catch her if she should get knocked over by a rogue wave or her own clumsiness. Her head turned to watch him, as if on guard for any kind of touch. He extended his arm in a gentlemanly gesture for her to go before him. 

Luckily the cabin was small, it was only a few steps through the galley and out onto the deck, because she needed to brace herself on walls and railings just to get that far. It was a testament to his seafaring ways that he was able to walk from the dock to his bedroom with his hands full of unconscious girl. His hands were going to be full of unconscious girl again if he didn’t watch her closely. The deck was wet from overspray of waves crashing against the hull, and she almost fell the moment she stepped foot above deck. His hand snaked out of its own accord to grasp her elbow. He was still having trouble controlling his body’s impulses. 

He was concerned that she would be angry with him or pull away in fear. When she looked over at him in surprise and relief, the long dormant flame of hope was sparked. He should have put the wall back up, the one she broke down the second he saw her sitting there on the pier. But something in his gut told him not to. It was telling him to keep his heart open. Something deep down inside was telling him that she was going to need him, and that there was no use in running or building walls. 

He acknowledged that he was going to need her too, that is, if she let him in her life at all. He maintained his grip on her elbow as they crossed the deck, only letting go so she could walk down the gangplank to the dock. Time slowed as he watched her look down at her feet, her hair falling in her face a little. She was sad and scared and not herself, but at the same time there was something so  _ free _ about her now. It was like she had let go of other people’s perceptions of her and decided to be exactly who she wanted to be. And he so admired her. 

He didn’t know how far he should go with her. Did he stay onboard and wave her off? Did he walk her home? He ended up only walking beside her until the end of the pier. 

“I-” He didn’t know what to say, or how to start. “I guess you know where I live now.”

She looked up from watching her feet. 

He turned to face the sea, face her. She stood still, facing land, facing him.

“I mean, I’ll still be here for a while. I’m visiting my dad, and Emre.”

“Okay.”

No guts no glory. 

“My number is still the same. I turned my local phone back on.”  _ If you need anything... _

She stood very still and looked at him very directly.

After a moment she nodded faintly, then looked back down at her feet and stepped off the dock and onto dry land. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't sure how to end this, so I am leaving on an ellipses.
> 
> To be continued...


End file.
